You Don’t Need Water to Feel Like You’re Drowning

As I have grown older, I have come to the realization that the world sucks. Not just the people, but everything about it. I feel like I don’t belong in this world, I feel like my mentality and morals are out of place and no one cares. No one sees what I do and what is right because everyone else is too busy conforming to the world’s standards. Casual sex, drinking, cheating, drugs, and all the other tasteless activities that people engage in are supposedly frowned upon by society… by in all honesty they aren’t. I do not agree with nor engage in such activities, and because of this, I feel alone. Alone in a world that has gone to Hell. It’s like nobody cares about anything anymore and everything is hopeless bullshit.

Image: Hyperbole and a Half

Sometimes I look at my computer screen and think, “What the fuck am I doing? Wasting my life working, paying bills and loans, and being alone because no one else seems to have values anymore and no one values someone with actual values.” Or better yet, “What the hell is everyone in the world doing? They are all so fucked up.” Or the best one yet,  “People are hopeless idiots.” I ponder deep thoughts like, what if history is a bunch of bollocks and the only thing it taught us is that those same types of people are going to be recycled? Everyone knows history repeats itself. But why? Because humans are too dense to change it? Who knows anything anymore.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany of sorts. I felt like I was drowning – suffocating – and I haven’t felt that way since high school. I felt like the world was moving around me but I wasn’t moving with it. Everything is a waste of time. People are morally corrupt, shallow, naive, and a waste of space that could be taken by a more intelligent species. Everything we do on a daily basis is just something to keep us busy until we die. When you are depressed, pretty much anything that could potentially bring you out of it looks appealing; even a piece of shit that has percolated for two days in the toilet bowl.

Image: Hyperbole and a Half

So far I have discussed:

  • How the world sucks
  • How the people suck
  • How bills and loans suck
  • How having a “slave job” for the rest of you life sucks
  • How appealing a piece of shit could be

When it gets really bad, I look at my cat and start talking to him. Not in a crazy person way, but simply pondering the daily occurrences of a cat and why it would be better to be a cat than a human. Here are my conclusions:

  • Cats can nap all day
  • Cats poop anywhere they want
  • Cats have to answer to no one
  • Cats have no bills to pay but live free off of humans
  • The only worry a cat has is figuring out how to catch that annoying flying bug
  • Cats don’t have to associate with other cats unless they absolutely have to
  • Cats don’t work
  • Cats don’t have to deal with the trivialities of the world

I frequently come to the conclusion that I want to be a cat. I am on a quest to find a genie in a lamp to grant me that wish, but in the meantime I have to suffer. The worst part of it is feeling like you are not loved. Like you give to others but they never give back to you unless you do something for them first. Unrequited, as they call it. When you are depressed, everything looks mean. Every guy is a pig and every girl is a slut (almost accurate). Every day is a new form of torture in which you must endure until the next day begins and the cycle resumes.

Image: Hyperbole and a Half

Things become a blur. School doesn’t matter as much so your grades begin slipping, getting out of bed seems impossible, you begin slacking off at work, your personal life goes to shit (before, during, or after), and you have no friends (probably because you haven’t called in over a year and they forgot you). You look to people for approval, but ultimately they end up disappointing you.

The beginning stages feel kind of like an extra long PMS cycle, but over time, the hysterics turn into self loathing and the loathing turns into emotional void. Nothing is there, nothing is felt, everything is nothing. The things that used to make you cry just don’t anymore. You’re emotions are dead; you are dead. Like a tiny parasite just crawled up inside of your gut and began rotting. When things get this bad, you decide to resort to what everyone else is doing, just to test it out.

But it doesn’t work and you end up in a bigger hole than you were before. Even making simple facial expressions to display how you feel becomes difficult. You end up faking it and then it just looks awkward because, at this point, smiling feels like someone is holding the corners of your mouth down so then you force a sort of half smile… which looks more awkward than if you just continued to frown. Going to a psychologist should help, but sometimes it just feels like they are a mad scientist probing your emotions with pointy objects and things. You try to describe to them what you are feeling and they just dole out pills and say, “Take these it will make everything better,” but the only thing that will make you feel better is to live in outer space or just die.

Everything is boring, You are continuously bored, tired, exhausted, drained. Events that wouldn’t phase normal people make you go crazy. You cry over the little things and get angry over something that happened last week. When there is a problem, you don’t want to find the solution but look at everything that went wrong. It’s like your brain is stuck on repeat and stops at the point right where reason and rationality should enter. You try to make anything your friend.

All of a sudden, food looks really appealing. Like if you don’t eat it, you will regret it forever. Then you begin to eat and eat and eat. Eating tastes good, and when eating tastes good, you discover more things that taste good. Ice cream, cookies, cake, donuts… these are all the staples in a healthy depression diet. Food becomes your friend, you confide in the food. It makes you feel better until it is gone and then you must get more. This makes you gain weight, thus, making your depression escalate because now you really can’t be part of the world because everyone hates fat people, right?

Image: Hyperbole and a Half

The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming and then everything turns to hate. Hate the world, hate yourself, hate people, hate inanimate objects. Rationality leaves and irrationality enters. You look at people and automatically label and judge them before you meet them… and hate them too. Your life feels like a never-ending tunnel of bullshit and you are just playing your part in a big, fucked up Broadway production.

5 So you see, depression is not just a word, it’s a really fucked up lifestyle.

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15 thoughts on “You Don’t Need Water to Feel Like You’re Drowning

  1. As someone who has been there I ‘m sorry you are there now. I dealt with depression and all these things for years upon years and I can tell you…the first step (at least for me) was ignoring everything else and just focusing on me.
    Just turned stuff around. Things I didn’t like I changed.
    As for the idiots of the world they are always going to be there just need to learn to ignore them and surround yourself with proactive and positive people :3

    Depression really is a messed up lifestyle and I was in it for 8 + years
    But if you want…you can change it.
    I sound like a preaching hippie (I am not lol) only because I found a way to get myself out and I truly believe that if you want to…you can too 🙂 anyone can. You were meant to be happy in life.

    And now I will stop before I become too annoying haha

    • LOL you aren’t annoying. It’s always nice to know someone can empathize with you. I have dealt with it since I was a young girl. They gave me Zoloft at age 13 which is supposed to be for adults only, but it just made me more irritable and angry. This is the first time in a while that I have felt it come on in full force again. I appreciate your thoughts and I love that you read my blog and actually comment. So thanks for that. 🙂

      • Ok good! I always worry that I come off as that when it comes to these kinds of topics…even though I am coming from a place where I know what I am talking about :p I can totally empathize…I dealt with it when I was young on top of anxiety, that sucks that you were given adult medication at such a young age. I fought to not be on any meds, it resulted in years and years of battling depression “organically” (no medications, natural or western) it took years and years but I am finally in an amazing place. I hope that can happen for you too…

        Though I love how honest and real you were in your post about this…

        I know what it is like when it comes back full force and that incredibly sucks that you are there and I hope you get out sooner rather then later ❤

        Sending you only good vibes!!!!

  2. not sure how i wandered in here, but thought i’d share my cure for depression: change. I mean massive, life-altering change. Figure out what’s really making you depressed, and just leave it behind. I used to be depressed, and it felt like my life was meaningless and there was no place for me. Then i realized it was because my life WAS meaningless and there WAS no point to my existence– and that one developed nation (with dull moral codes and poor educational values) does not a whole world make. So, i abandoned that shallow, dull, pointless collection of things that we call post-post modern life. and ran away to sea… learned how to fish, how to sail, how to navigate,.. Now I live in exotic places filled with interesting people and do just exactly as i please with myself. My depression was based in the general unsatisfying crappiness of my life. Maybe yours is too. You don’t have to become a sailor like I did; just leave that whole boring unsatisfying life behind, and become a person you like to be, Fuck those loan payments– $15k is nothing, pay it off pennies at a time or just throw the bills in the trash and walk out the door. They’ll never find you. Maybe you’re sad because there is a beautiful life out there for you in Fiji, or southern France or something, and deep down inside you know you are missing it. Don’t be afraid to change. Just go.

    (ps i am a petite woman of rather average intelligence who has now been adventuring all over the world for more than a decade after escaping the rat race. if i can do it, anyone can)

    • Thanks. And it’s not 15K, that was just the primary… interest will make it about 40K when it’s done with me. I am going to travel soon. After graduation my grandparents offered to take me on a cruise… it will help to get out I think.

  3. This is the right web site for everyone who wishes to find out about this topic. You understand a whole lot its almost hard to argue with you (not that I really would want to…HaHa). You certainly put a brand new spin on a subject that has been written about for a long time. Great stuff, just excellent.

  4. Hiya, like a few people here I suffered from crippling depression for years, and I agree the psychologies was the worst person, least helpful of all the medical profession with whom I met.
    If you are still a student, this can be a cause because you have been studying FOREVER and if the end is near the fear of failure is MASSIVE
    If we suppress on set of feelings, the others get pulled into the same black hole, and we end up feeling dead, with no energy, no hope, unable to enjoy life
    The solution is inside you. Only you can fix this. You may need medication and support, but you are the one who needs to make the change, and you don’t have to wait until the end of your degree.
    Carl Young said ‘Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering’ so you need to look at what happened when you were a child to cause you to be put on medication at 13!! When you find the underlying cause, you can face it, and recover
    It’s worth it 🙂 I spent years in a half drugged state feeling utterly deduced from the world around me, as if I was in a glass bubble. I haven’t had any big attacks in the last 14 years, although at times I have been ‘down’ it’s not the same thing at all, and relatively easy and short to come out of… Not like that black pit of despair that engulfs us
    Take care of yourself, eat good food, vitamin B, avoid alcohol & late nights and face your fears! Good luck! ❤

  5. Ditto to everything you just wrote, only try feeling all of it when you live abroad but aren’t fluent in the language of that country. I want to move away, except I’m so depressed that I barely have the energy to leave my apartment, much less this country. Maybe Lux can come pick me up on her boat… SOS~

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