Groceries are Hard

There are few things in the world I loathe more than grocery shopping; mainly stupid drivers and ice cream with nuts. But, since I now live in a house and have to fend for myself like a fucking adult, it is one of the necessary evils I must face during the weekend.


Image: Hyperbole and a Half


I wouldn’t mind it so much if I had someone to do it for me but… number one, I’m not rich and number two, this isn’t the 17th century; serfs NOT included.

Buying the groceries is hard enough. I have to remember everything that I need and even if I write it down on paper like a responsible adult, there is always something that makes me say, “FUCK!” when I get home and realize what I forgot.

But buying the groceries is fairly simple compared to what comes after I push the cart that I appreciate oh, so much to my car and unload the bounty into my trunk.


Driving home is no easy task because if I swerve just a bit too much or accelerate just a bit too fast, I will open the truck to find a disaster zone of groceries spilled out of the freaking bags. All that hard work of perfectly organizing the groceries in the trunk before I began the journey home has been a wasted effort. *Insert rage face here*

After I put everything back in its proper place, the next feat is carrying them into the house. You people with garages, appreciate them, because folks like me who live in the city and have to park on the street have it way harder. Like, we should charge the grocery store for labor.

Some people go about it in different ways… carrying all of the bags inside at once while simultaneously breaking their arms and fingers but determined nonetheless to only take one trip. I tried this before but it didn’t end very well, so I resigned myself to the fact that it would never happen successfully.


Plan: cold stuff inside first, then come back for the rest. Good plan.

After bringing them inside, and breaking a massive sweat while doing so, (grocery shopping should really be a legit aerobic workout) I place them all on the counter top. Which is a mistake because something inevitably always falls off onto the floor. I haven’t made a wet mess on the kitchen floor yet, so I have been lucky.

Putting groceries away is usually the easy part, except for today. No… today my refrigerator decided to make my life a living hell. While still sweating, only relieved by the cold coming out of the freezer above me, I placed my last item on the glass shelf in the middle of the fridge.

I felt a wave of success come over me as I placed the last item on the shelf and then a massive wave of rage as the glass bottom decided it was going to be a douche and fall off it’s supports, spilling every single one of my grocery items on the kitchen floor. I felt the rage one might feel when this happens:

Upon this event, I let out a few choice words, which my roommate totally hears. He comes in and, being the nice person he is, gives me some tape to fix the shelf. Keep this in mind… it was Scotch clear packing tape. Duct tape would have been more efficient but beggars can’t be choosers.

After putting two layers of tape on a glass shelf that was slippery from condensation (nearly impossible, mind you), I began placing my groceries on it again. Being extra slow and careful like I was playing a game of grocery Jenga.

After everything was in its place, I stood there and glared at the shelf making sure it wouldn’t give way again. Pretty sure if it had feelings I would have destroyed them.

Sweating like a goddamn pig, I walked up to my room and turned the fan on, sitting in front of it like a dog in heat.

Groceries are HARD.


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